I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
