I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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