you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
