He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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