I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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