i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
