Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
