I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
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I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me