just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's blow job season.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
