So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
