the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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