What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
it's great music for shaving your balls
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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