my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
