Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
