Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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