I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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