Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
