I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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