my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
