I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
