Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
