i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
