i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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