Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
