theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
