Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
