I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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