If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
