Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
