Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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