i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
