I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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