this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
