You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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