You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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