Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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