I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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