Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
