Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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