dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
a search helicopter?!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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