i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
