this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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