When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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