and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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