You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
