Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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