so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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