We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
