Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
