I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
