When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
