They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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