i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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