First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
