i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
