Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I will be naked everywhere
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
