So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
