Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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