Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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