someone owes me an orgasm
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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