before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
